“It’s Not Weak to Need Your Mates”: Why Men Need Close Friends, What Gets in the Way — and How to Rebuild the Brotherhood
1. The Quiet Crisis of Male Friendship
If you are a man in the UK, the odds that you sometimes feel socially adrift are sobering. A Movember–Ipsos survey of 4,000 British men found that 27 percent say they lack even a single close friend, while 47 percent rarely open up about their problems. (Movember) Similar numbers have been picked up in larger U.S. polling: in 1990 only 3 percent of American men reported having “no close friends”; by 2021 that figure had quintupled to 15 percent. (The Guardian) Researchers now talk of a “friendship recession,” a term the journalist Sathnam Sanghera took uncomfortably personally while planning his wedding at the age of 48. Forced to choose a best man, he realised many of the guys who had once filled his phone with in-jokes had drifted to the periphery of his life. (The Times)
The stakes are not merely sentimental. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, an 80-year longitudinal project, shows that the warmth of a man’s relationships in mid-life is a stronger predictor of healthy ageing than cholesterol levels, exercise or income. (Harvard Gazette) “Loneliness kills,” says study director Robert Waldinger; lacking supportive friendships carries a mortality risk comparable to heavy smoking. (New York Post)
2. Why Men Need (and Struggle With) Intimacy
Evolutionary wiring
From prehistoric hunting parties to modern five-a-side football, male coalitions have always enhanced survival. Anthropologist Dr Anna Machin points out that men’s brains release the bonding hormone oxytocin during shared activity — building a shed or chasing a ball — just as effectively as during a heart-to-heart. (The Guardian)
Mental-health insulation
Men are statistically more vulnerable to suicide, substance abuse and lifestyle diseases that thrive in isolation. Social connection acts as a behavioural circuit-breaker: the mate who notices your drinking creeping up; the WhatsApp group that drags you to five-a-side when Netflix beckons. Movember’s own modelling suggests each additional “confidant” reduces a man’s risk of suicidal ideation by roughly 8 percent. (Movember)
Identity outside romantic partnership
Heterosexual men in the West often rely on a spouse or girlfriend as their sole emotional sounding board. When the romantic relationship hits a bump — or ends — they lack a safety-net. Psychologist Eric Anderson calls this the “monogamy of emotional support,” a pattern that leaves men vulnerable and partners overloaded. (Time)
3. The Cultural Double-Bind: Stoicism vs. Stigma
Across much of the non-Western world affectionate male friendship is not merely accepted, but expected. Stroll through a Delhi marketplace and you’ll see teenage boys walking hand-in-hand; in Dubai business partners may greet with a hug and double cheek-kiss. (The Merge, Kaleela App, Country Navigator) In the UK or the U.S., the same gestures can trigger sniggers or homophobic slurs — subtle policing that social scientists label homohysteria. (Time)
Inclusive Masculinity Theory (IMT) argues that the old zero-sum equation — strong = stoic, intimate = “un-manly” — is finally eroding. A growing minority of Western men now feel free to talk feelings, share playlists and even hug, without fearing that their heterosexual credentials will be revoked. (ResearchGate) But the norm is still fragile enough that many men, especially over 40, default to the safer ground of side-by-side banter about sport.
4. Life-Stage Potholes on the Friendship Highway
| Life transition | Typical friendship shock | Why it happens |
|---|---|---|
| University → first job | Old tribe scatters; long hours sap energy | Geographic churn and career pressure |
| Marriage & first baby | Emotional bandwidth funnels toward partner; weeks blur into nappies | “Primary-carer” model sidelines mates |
| Kids hit teen years | Taxi-driver parenting and exam stress crowd the calendar | Couples risk marital “tag-team” isolation |
| Empty nest & retirement | Work friendships evaporate overnight | Loss of identity and daily structure |
Sathnam Sanghera’s wedding planning landed squarely in the “marriage late in life” pothole. Drafting the guest list forced him to reckon with decades of “I must ring him soon” that never happened. The solution, he writes, is calendarising male friendship with the same seriousness you’d book a dental check-up — and refusing to apologise for it. (The Times)
For parents whose stag-night memories feel sepia-tinted, a related challenge looms: teenagers + marriage = disconnection. Times columnist Lorraine Candy warns that adolescents can unwittingly pull parents into triangulated conflicts (“Mum, tell Dad he’s being unfair”), turning spouses into combatants rather than comrades. Her antidote: step out of the triangle, schedule non-kid conversations and protect micro-rituals (a 15-minute coffee together before the school run) that keep the marital friendship alive. (The Times)
5. Seven Evidence-Backed Ways to Re-Forge Your Male Friendships
- Make the first move, even if it feels awkward. A 2023 study for Talkspace found that 35 percent of men have a “friend crush” — someone they’d like to know better but never message. (New York Post) Send the text; odds are he’ll be relieved.
- Anchor it in action. Men bond fastest shoulder-to-shoulder. Organise a DIY project, a Parkrun, or a film-club. The conversation will follow. Dr Machin’s fMRI work shows men disclose 40 percent more personal information after a shared task than in a seated chat. (The Guardian)
- Upgrade the banter. Next time a mate mentions work stress, swap “nightmare, mate” for a follow-up question: “What’s the worst-case scenario?” Small prompts signal permission to go deeper. Coaching charity HUMEN trains men in exactly these “one notch deeper” questions and reports a 22 percent drop in self-reported isolation after six sessions.
- Schedule “standing dates.” Whether it is Thursday-night five-a-side or the first Sunday of the month for curry, repetition beats spontaneity. The men are spared the admin of negotiating dates, and partners can plan around it.
- Practise platonic touch. A handshake that lingers into a pat on the shoulder, a quick hug at the airport — these micro-gestures calm the vagus nerve and raise oxytocin. If it feels weird, remember that most of the planet finds it perfectly normal. (The Merge)
- Form a “board of personal advisors.” The late author Richard Reeves suggested naming three men you will call for advice on money, marriage and meaning. If one gap shows up, focus your next friendship investment there.
- Use professional scaffolding. Group-based counselling models such as Andy’s Man Club or Movember’s “Men’s Pie Club” (you cook a pie, then talk) normalise vulnerability in low-pressure settings. Almost half the attendees report making a new close friend. (Movember)
6. Friendship Inside Marriage and Fatherhood
Remember the sepia-tinted stag night? The teenage years can feel like déjà vu: you’re broke again (driving lessons), sleep-deprived again (revision panics) and sex-starved again (someone’s always awake). According to Candy, the marital flash-points in adolescence mirror those of the nursery years, but with higher stakes and louder slamming doors. Her playbook:
- Tag-team, don’t triangulate. If your son declares, “Mum says I can,” dad should clarify with mum rather than explode. Teens smell division like blood in water.
- Invest in your own friendship as a couple: a weekly walk, a TV series reserved for just you two.
- Keep outside friendships alive. Teen-parenting can shrink your world to GCSE grades; lunches with old mates offer perspective and comic relief. (The Times)
7. A Note on Counselling and When to Seek It
If the friendship drought has tipped into depression — persistent low mood, irritability, or thoughts of self-harm — professional help is a step, not a failure. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) can boost social re-engagement by tackling the belief, common in isolated men, that “everyone already has their group.” GPs can refer on the NHS; private online options start around £50 per session. In crisis, call Samaritans on 116 123 (UK) or text “SHOUT” to 85258.
8. The Unwritten Benefits
Men who restore a circle of close friends often report unexpected dividends:
- Career resilience — friends flag opportunities before LinkedIn does.
- Better romantic relationships — emotional load is shared, not dumped on a partner.
- Physical health gains — from park football to early prostate-check nudges.
- A roadmap for sons — boys copy what they see; modelling affection between men gives them permission to nurture it too.
9. Conclusion: The Courage to Care
In cultures from Mumbai to Muscat, two grown men strolling hand-in-hand barely raise an eyebrow. Western masculinity is finally circling back to that older, more relaxed model. The data are clear: strong male friendships are not a luxury add-on but a health intervention and a happiness multiplier.
So resurrect the five-a-side thread, schedule the curry club, or simply text the guy you last saw at your wedding, “Long time — fancy a pint?” You might discover he was about to send the very same message.
Need more?
Below are three of the most thought-provoking recent pieces on male friendship and connection.
